But there is an entire world of children in foster care that have passed that “cradling age”. They don’t fit the mold when it comes to how we traditionally welcome new family members into our homes and lives because they are not “new”. In fact, some of them may be growing rapidly into their own adulthood and could possibly care for themselves acceptionably, though not ideally.

So what is the point then of adopting a child from foster care that has already reached that stage and why should you do it? Why is it so important?

It all comes down to these simple truths. Because even though they are not babies, they are still children. Because we know based on statistics that none of us are as successful alone as we can be when we are together. Because everyone needs and deserves a family.  

According to Childrensrights.org, more than 20,000 children age out of the US foster care system each year once they turn 18 years old.

Do you remember yourself at 18 years old? Or 16? Or even 14?

Did you have the skills and abilities and the judgment to handle the next phases of your life?

Did you know how to drive, get an apartment, finish or begin college courses, have the interview skills to land a decent job?

Did you know how to get your credit score? A new car loan? A mortgage?

Where did you spend Christmas or Thanksgiving? Or your birthday?

Childhood doesn’t stop when you stop being little. It stops when you have become a successful adult and often that is not at 18 years old.

Still not convinced that you could take on an older child, consider this;

1. They sleep through the night, and sometimes most of the morning too.
2. They don’t need shots and checkups as often as a new baby.
3. They often are great conversationalist; you will enjoy their company and companionship.
4. They tie their own shoes, button their own coats, and wipe their own noses.
5. No potty training.
6. No bottles, sippy cups, or diaper bags.
7. They are eager to learn and will teach you some things too.
8. You won’t have to guess favorite colors, favorite foods, and favorite songs because you can just ask.
9. They enjoy being with friends, playing sports, attending clubs and other activities independently so you won’t have them “underfoot” as often as their younger counterparts.
10. They know how to be “real”. They can read your emotional cues when you have a bad day or a fantastic day that deserves celebration.

There are so many benefits to adopting an older child from foster care. If you still need some more convincing, a good place to start is with mentoring to this age group through local clubs and organizations. I think you will be absolutely convinced after just a few visits.

Or, take a cue from your brave and fearless teenage self and just jump in.

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There are all kinds of reasons that bring children into care; the most common reason being neglect, with 61% of the children having that as their reason for removal and placement. Neglect covers a multitude of issues that don’t quite fit into other categories. The runner-up? Drugs. 26% of children are removed from their caregivers who are using drugs. In either case and for children to come into foster care, there must be the reason to believe they are at imminent risk. So that means the concern isn’t simply a missed meal or overdue bedtime.

The children coming into care need a supportive, loving, consistent, and safe place to be while their caregivers or parents get their own lives together. For many years this need was likely filled by extended family, nearby friends, or the children themselves. Early in the nation’s history indentured servitude of children was also commonplace. Foster care’s roots began long before there was any involvement of the government or other agency to supervise. It was often handled within the church. However, in the 1900’s, social services began to take hold and form what is now known far and wide as the US Foster Care system.

So what is the point of foster care you wonder? Without foster care, those 437,465 children in 2016 alone could be wandering aimlessly, in need of medical care, in need of food, in need of school supplies, a warm bed, or a safe hug. So who takes responsibility for our nation’s most vulnerable population? Especially when the amount of need is so daunting? Who could we count on to spend countless days and nights awake rocking babies or potty training, or enrolling children in school, making sure they have their annual physicals, and they make their dental appointments? The need for help became so great that group homes were overrun. Children were becoming “just a number” rather than family and missing out on the social piece of their development that was so vital to their success as adults and parents later in life.

This is where social service agencies and foster parents step up. They take on the task of fixing and counseling and mentoring and they do it “until” –which is never defined. And they do it anyway. Even if the children stay years longer, even after they return back to their parents most of the time. Even when it seems the county is ungrateful, the birth parents are inconsistent, and the children are endlessly in need of more resources.

That is why we have foster parents. So that of those 437,465 children, nearly 60,000 a year can be adopted and another 125,975 can hopefully reunify successfully with their families. So that children can grow up in families and not in group homes. So that they will have adults who can help them build strong connections and find resources. So that those children can hopefully make good choices and raise their kids successfully without foster care intervention.

We have foster care so that someday in a perfect world, with enough education, and resources, and love, we won’t need foster care.

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The point of adoption is to give options to a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy.  A woman in this situation has three options: she could have an abortion, she could parent the child, or she could place the child with a family ready to raise him/her. Many women do not see abortion as an option due to their religious, political, or ethical beliefs. This leaves them with two options: parenting or placing. An expectant mother is able to seek out an adoption agency, cost-free, to have her rights and options explained to her by an adoption professional. She is in no way obligated to place her child after receiving this assistance. It is simply a free service so she can make the best decision for herself and her child. In many cases, the woman will decide to place her child for adoption and will still be able to be a part of the child’s life.

The point of adoption is to act in the best interest of the child. Then an expectant mother is able to put aside her own strong feelings of love and nurturing and make the painful choice that another family will be able to provide a life that she cannot. That is truly acting in the best interest of the child. When the adoptive parents choose open adoption, that is acting in the child’s best interest. Open adoption may not be the right choice in every situation, but as long as the adoptive parents make that choice thinking of the child, it is the right choice.  

Adoption has the power to create families, give expectant mothers options when they desperately need a sense of control, and should always act in the best interest of the child. So, in summary, I suppose the point of adoption is love.

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• Listen

My 17-year-old is into all things card game-related. This includes Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Magic, the works. It might as well be Greek to me. When he tries to talk to me about many of his interests, I often feel like I am Charlie Brown listening to his teacher with the incomprehensible droning. I love my son. He and his brothers and sister are my world. I would do anything for him. However, listening to hours of card game talk can be difficult. I could go the route of tuning him out. I could even tell him that I am uninterested. Being an awesome parent is about putting your interests, or disinterests, aside for your children. My son loves these games. Because I love him, I try my very best to understand what he is trying to convey to me. I stop what I am doing and really listen. He is well aware I know very little but gets excited when I ask questions. For him, it’s not really about trying to make me love Pokemon but about wanting to see that I care about what he cares about. Kids want to be heard. Listen to your children even if it’s hard. Even if it’s boring. It may be the most important thing in their life at the time. Set aside your preferences and set aside your time for your children. It will mean the world to them.

• Parent First

When kids describe an “awesome parent,” they may describe a parent who doesn’t discipline and who lets his or her kids do what they want. However, being an awesome parent is much more about being a parent than a friend. Being a friend is easy. Giving your kids the world is easy. Making sure that your children become great humans by guiding them in the right direction is our most important work. Being an awesome parent includes discipline and lovingly guiding your children with a kind but firm hand. Our kids are not always going to like our decisions. Our kids are not always going to like us. We may even experience times when we feel horrible for having to set boundaries and punish our children. Being an awesome parent is about finding that balance of encouraging a friendly relationship with your children while staying hands-on in the work of parenting and guiding them to be successful young adults. If done right, they may thank you when they are older!

• Be Present

Along with listening to your child, you also have to be present with your child. I am guilty of constantly having my face buried in my phone while my kids are playing. I have been making a conscious effort to be aware of this and to try to be more present with my children. I began with the rule that my phone goes away the moment my children approach me to play or talk. Just yesterday, my two-year-old daughter came up to me on the couch while I was checking emails. She placed a blanket over both of our heads and squealed, “tent! Tent!” My first reaction was of annoyance, but I remembered my rule. I put my phone away and played with my daughter. As we lay there under the blanket, her face beaming, I focused on her little squeals and her soft breath on my face. It was in that moment I thought to myself, “This must be what heaven is like.” There was no place else I would rather have been than in that moment forever. I wish I could capture it and carry it around with me forever. Imagine if I had just shooed her away with a, “Not now, honey!” How crushing would that have been for her? What a moment I would have missed out on. Be present with your children. Our time is as precious as our children.

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We came to adoption as many couples do, after having experienced infertility. However long you deal with infertility and whether or not you pursue infertility treatments like we did, infertility, to put it plainly, sucks. It consumes your entire life and throws you onto the world’s worst rollercoaster you didn’t ask to ride. Once you decide to pursue infertility treatment, your whole life revolves around appointments and pills and shots. So much of your life before infertility can fall away as you deal with the pace of the medical procedures—not to mention the mounting costs and the emotional devastation when the procedures fail.

Long before we even knew infertility would be part of our story, my husband and I had discussed adoption and both decided it was something we would both be open to in building our future family. Often people ask me if deciding to stop IVF and switch to the process of adopting was hard, but truthfully, it was the easiest decision we have ever made. The second we made the decision that we were definitely ready to switch courses, I felt an enormous weight lift off of my shoulders. Adoption gave me hope and, for the first time in a long time, something to be excited about. Though the adoption process is time-consuming, it didn’t feel as fraught as infertility treatment. I knew that if we stayed the course, we would be parents. It was no longer a question of if, but when. I was able to enjoy doing all the things expectant parents get to do. We decorated the nursery, registered for baby gear, and told our closest friends and family that we had begun the adoption process once we went “live” with our agency and our profile was available to expectant mothers. I flew into a flurry of nesting activity almost immediately: doing SO MUCH LAUNDRY (which is normally my least favorite domestic task) and filling our freezer with food. I even packed a “go bag” of baby stuff, which my husband scoffed at as being unnecessary.

At least until we got the call. A whopping 13 days after we went live. The call went like this: you’ve been matched, the baby was born yesterday, it’s a girl, she’s several states away, can you be here by tomorrow afternoon? This was my first lesson as a parent that your kid will NOT do what you expect. Our daughter was several weeks early and came into the world with a bang. She has kept us on our toes ever since. As we got more information during the call, we learned she had been born 90 minutes from my hometown, where my parents and sister still lived. As we drove, we periodically got check-in calls from our agency, where we learned there were even more coincidences, things we had in common with her birth mother, and things that seemed like little nods from the universe saying “this is it, thanks for being patient.” Adoption started to restore my faith in the idea of good things happening for people who deserve good things. I’m not religious, but I can’t discount the fact that there are just too many moving pieces to our adoption story that are more than a coincidence.

Within 36 hours of getting the call, we were parents. It was amazing to be able to share my daughter’s first few weeks of life with my family, not to mention having help as we settled into our new roles as parents. Like most first-time parents, we had absolutely no clue whatsoever what we were doing, so we relied on our family and friends to help reassure us that yes, we could keep this small human alive. I had another wonderful source of support, then and now, that I would not have had unless we had chosen adoption. After we signed with our agency, I created a Facebook group for people using the same agency because one hadn’t existed previously. Shortly before my daughter was born, I had recruited a few other women to admin the group with me, and they have become my “village.” Beyond new-parent questions, we have developed an incredibly strong friendship that feels more like a sisterhood than anything. I can’t imagine not having these ladies in my life, but had we not chosen adoption, I never would have known them. Even now, over two years later, we have a running group chat where we talk literally every day. I have befriended many other adoptive parents as well and have found a sense of community in the adoption world I don’t think I’ve felt anywhere before in my life.

As time went on and my daughter grew, I found myself feeling the pull toward adoption advocacy. I found myself being the go-to person for people in our Facebook group as well as in other areas of my life. Your sister’s hairdresser is interested in adoption? Have her call me! Your cousin’s mailman has 3 adopted kids? Awesome! Let’s hang out! I began to find myself spending much of my free time talking to prospective adoptive parents about how to start the process and how to make the best choices for their family and find ways to manage the stress adopting can create. So much so that on a girls’ weekend trip, one of my friends asked, “Explain to me again why you aren’t doing this as your job?” I was an elementary school teacher before my daughter was born and had been a stay-at-home parent up to that point. After that weekend, I started the process of forming my company, The Adoption Mentor, and since then have been thrilled to provide guidance to couples in all stages of the adoption process. As with many small businesses, it has been a labor of love and not necessarily an overnight success. I am the CEO, CFO, Marketing Director, Webmaster, and all-around ringmaster all by myself, but it is incredibly fulfilling. Around the same time, I also wanted to find a way to combine my love of writing with my love of adoption and began crafting adoption-related stories for online parenting publications. I’ve recently become a staff writer for several adoption-focused websites as well.

With all of that said, the most obvious and profound way my life has changed is that I became a mother. I know everyone thinks his or her child is exceptional, but my daughter is just a remarkable little person, and I constantly find myself thinking “I can’t imagine her not being my child.” It matters not even a tiny bit that I did not give birth to her. If anything, it deepens my appreciation of the privilege of being a parent. Before you become a parent, you hear parents say the same things over and over again: the whole world is different to me now, I never knew I could love someone like this, it is like having my heart walking around outside my body. All of this is true. The list of things I would not do for my daughter is a blank page. Beyond me and my husband, she has brought so much joy to all of our family and my closest friends that it is hard to remember a time without her. She is very different from my husband and me in many ways, but she just fits perfectly with our admittedly crazy family and friends. Adoption has changed my life in so many ways, but she will always be the biggest and best way.

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Parents these days have more resources than ever before but more pressure. Everyone’s social media seems flooded with clean, happy, well-behaved kids who seem perfect. Timmy got straight As. Susie is a first chair violinist in the school orchestra. Look at our perfect family vacation to an interesting place, and none of our kids are crying or complaining about being bored. It can be tempting to compare our own daily grind to other people’s seemingly perfect lives, but odds are if you talked to these people in real life, you’d hear about their bad days as well as their good. It’s just that no one broadcasts the bad days and, frankly, people can place excessive importance on the good ones.

We are friends with a family of ten children. TEN. 5 times 2. As many kids as there are fingers on my hands. As the parent of one child who often feels frantic, I can’t imagine parenting TEN children, several of whom were adopted internationally and have complex medical needs. I asked them once what their secret was and they said their strategy is to keep it simple. Not every day needs to be a grand production. So often these days, we feel responsible not only for the basic things our kids need but also to provide them with entertainment and intellectual stimulation and “experiences” every minute. When it comes down to it, though, children on a day-to-day basis have very basic needs: you have to feed them, you have to give them a roof over their heads, and you have to let them know that they are loved.

There will be days when it seems you are only able to accomplish the bare minimum, and that’s okay. Maybe you ordered a pizza instead of cooking an elaborate healthy meal. Maybe you let your kid watch one more episode of his or her favorite TV show because you desperately needed 30 minutes to drink your coffee and attempt to feel human. Maybe you raised your voice after your kid did that thing you have told him or her specifically not to do 900 times. It’s okay. Parenting is not about perfection. You don’t have to be a perfect parent to be THE perfect parent for your unique child. If you find yourself overwhelmed or feeling like you just can’t win on any given day, focus on the basics and lean into the chaos! Some day when our children are all grown, we will laugh at the days that make us want to pull our hair out now. Know that you are doing your best, and if you have to, step away from social media. Don’t compare your worst day ever to someone else’s highly curated and probably exaggerated highlight reel. Take a few deep breaths and know that you can always give it another whirl tomorrow. And if tomorrow isn’t perfect either? That’s more than okay.

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This may seem obvious, but the #1 reason for considering adoption is that you want to parent a child or add another child to your family. While people adopt for many reasons, the vast majority of them have this simple motivation behind their decision. Often people who have had trouble conceiving or had other issues in starting or building their family question if they were “meant to be” parents. In my mind, if you want to be a parent, you are meant to be one, regardless of any obstacles that have been placed in your way.

2. You feel a “calling” to adoption

Often, people who adopt say that even at a young age, they always felt an interest in and a calling toward adoption, even before they were aware of how adoption actually works. Whether you are religious or not, this “inner voice” that put adoption on your mind and heart did so for a reason! My husband and I talked about adoption long before we were married. Early on in our relationship we said that we would love to have adoption be a part of our family’s story someday. Now we are the parents of one wonderful daughter who we adopted domestically at birth, and I work as an adoption consultant, writer and advocate. Adoption is more than how we built our family—it’s a huge part of our lives.

3. You will find a wonderful community of like-minded people

One thing I didn’t realize I would gain when I considered an adoption is a wonderful group of friends, both locally and nationally. Some of my dearest friends are people I have met online in adoption discussion groups, and I have a running group chat with 4 other adoptive moms I talk to every day about everything from parenting to marriage to cooking. I have also met adoptive parents in public in random and unexpected ways, and I have been lucky to have friends from other areas of my life adopt as well and share that experience with them. I gained far more than just a daughter when I adopted—I truly gained a village.

4. Your life will be full of pleasant surprises

Often I find that people who have biological children are quick to assign their children’s characteristics to genetics. As soon as a baby is born, people tend to compare the child’s features to family members’, and as he or she grows and develops talents and interests, he or she also finds reasons for those by looking at the family tree. With children who came to your life through adoption, every interesting attribute or skill is uniquely his or hers. Though I have a relationship with our daughter’s birth family and can definitely see physical attributes that she shares with them, it is nice not to feel like I am superimposing my own traits, good or bad, on my child. She is 100% herself and 100% unique.

5. You understand that family is more than just the people who you are related to

So many of us have created families that consist of more than just our blood relatives. Our partners/spouses and their families become our family even though we are not biologically related. We develop deep friendships that feel like family. Even pets, who aren’t even human, can become our family. Sharing DNA is not required to love someone wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

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Being an adoptive parent means:

I realize that you cannot parent all children the same. Due to trauma and other circumstances beyond my child’s control he cannot handle privileges and responsibilities at the same age as his peers, and I am okay with that.

I love a child who is not flesh of my flesh more than life itself.

I realize I am not enough. I  will never be able to eradicate the hurts my child has experienced. I can give him opportunities and show him the way, but the rest is out of my control.

I have more than a rudimentary knowledge of all things attachment related.

I know love is not enough to heal all ails.

Between my three children, I have sat in on more therapy sessions than most people do in a lifetime.

I have had people look from me to my child who looks nothing like me and then ask, “Does she look like her dad?” And I smile and say, “Yes,” because she does resemble her bio dad.

I have learned that people who, when they realize we have adopted, feel the need to share about their distant cousin’s adoptive experience and offer advice that I did not ask for.

I have had to change my priorities. Rather than stressing over teaching my child to write her name, I rejoice when she holds her pencil correctly.

I have the privilege of having friends from various walks of life. Adoption pulled me out of my “small world” and broadened my horizons.

I have learned to love and cherish the customs of other nationalities. Our children’s birth parents have taught us their customs which we have embraced and turned into family traditions.

I have come to respect and admire my children’s birth parents. They have had to make choices that ultimately caused them heartbreak but gave their children a better future than what they could provide. That is love!

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1. Not Everyone Will Be Supportive.

When you tell friends and family you’re planning to adopt, you expect them to be excited right along with you. After all, you’ve taken an important step toward parenthood. While it’s true some loved ones will be thrilled for you—showering you with hugs, smiles, prayers, and words of encouragement—others will be less than enthused. In these cases, you may be met with blank stares, concerned faces, and lots of questions. “Are you sure you can love someone else’s child?” “What if the birth mom takes her back?” “Don’t you want a baby of your own?” “Isn’t adoption expensive?”

During these times, you have the perfect opportunity to educate skeptics on adoption and clear up any misconceptions they may have. Often, their concerns are based on a lack of information or on the inaccurate way adoption is sometimes portrayed on TV and in the media. Once your friends and family members have a better understanding of adoption, they will likely be on board with your decision.

2. Patience Is Critical.

Adoption often entails long waits and unpredictability, so be sure to practice patience. Even on days when you are feeling discouraged, take a deep breath and trust in the process. Most people who decide to adopt are eventually successful. Try not to spend your time worrying about when it will happen and instead prepare your heart and your home to welcome your child.

To help pass the time, you might want to consider reading parenting books, decorating your future child’s room, shopping, exercising or doing anything that keeps your mind busy.

3. Things Aren’t Always as They Seem.

Be alert and aware of potential red flags when dealing with adoption professionals and expectant parents. If an agency requires large sums of money upfront or promises you will adopt within a certain time frame, look elsewhere. A reputable agency will work with you and never make guarantees or promises they can’t keep.

Also be cautious when dealing with expectant mothers. If a situation seems fishy, trust your intuition. I learned this when dealing with a young woman from Texas who discovered our profile online. She said she wanted us to adopt her baby boy who was due to be born in about a week. She seemed very sweet and called me many times crying about her situation. My heart ached for her, and I wanted to do whatever I could to help.

Then one day she woke us up at 6 a.m. with an emergency. She said she was in the hospital and needed us to send her money right away to cover her diabetes medication. She wasn’t working with an attorney or agency and seemed reluctant to contact someone to assist with her adoption plans. It turns out she wasn’t even pregnant. She was an experienced con artist who contacted numerous potential adoptive parents in an effort to receive gifts and money.

If something similar happens to you, remember to always contact your adoption agency or attorney and, for your protection, never send gifts or money directly to an expectant mom.

4. Some People Will Hate You for Adopting.

I know it sounds harsh, but one of the biggest lessons I learned is that not everyone is in favor of adoption. A couple of years ago, I wrote a heartfelt article about adoption. It received more than 2,000 Facebook likes and numerous comments, with many people agreeing what a wonderful blessing adoption is. Only not everyone felt that way.

Along with the positive feedback, I received some negative comments and a nasty email that made me cry for hours and consider giving up ever writing about adoption again. Using an anonymous name, one woman told me what a terrible person I was for “stealing” someone else’s child. She said I wasn’t a “real” mother and should be ashamed of myself for the pain I had caused. I was shocked she could say such horrible things about me when she didn’t even know me.

What I quickly came to realize is that her anger wasn’t about me; it was about her and what she had gone through.

No matter how smooth and successful an adoption is, it always involves sadness and loss. This loss can be unbearable and may result in a birth mother regretting her decision to place her child for adoption. Unfortunately, some birth mothers even have bad adoption experiences and feel they have been misled or coerced by professionals.

If you find yourself the recipient of cruel words, try not to take it personally and keep this in mind: Adoption results in a deep, lifelong grief for birth mothers. Their words and actions come from a place of suffering and hurt. What they need most is our understanding and empathy. Remember, in order for you to become a parent, someone has to say goodbye to her child—the baby she carried, gave birth to and held in her arms.

5. Having No Control Doesn’t Mean You’re Powerless.

You never know who or what you will encounter on your journey to parenthood, and there’s no way of predicting how long you will wait. This uncertainty can leave you feeling helpless and discouraged. But just because you can’t control the adoption process, doesn’t mean you can’t affect the outcome. Research agencies, educate yourself on adoption and parenting, and talk to others who have been through the process. The more you know, the less stressful it will be.

Also, be sure to do some networking to increase your chances of adopting sooner. Tell friends and family of your desire to adopt and have them spread the word. Create an online profile for potential birth parents to find you easier. Stay in touch with your social worker. Every extra effort you make will bring you one step closer to your future child.

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You can see it clearly in your mind: You’re holding a child in your arms, nurturing and loving him or her. Your desire to become a parent burns strongly, and you can’t imagine not having a family someday. For whatever reason, you have been unable to have a biological child and are now considering adoption. How do you know if adoption is right for you? Here are some important questions to ask yourself.

• Does Biology Matter? When you adopt, your child will likely be different from you, not only in physical appearance but also in mannerisms, temperament, and interests. You need to be comfortable with these differences and be able to love and accept your child for who he or she is. Does not sharing genes really bother you? Do you want your child to resemble you? Do you have a strong need to carry on the bloodline? If so, you might want to consider other options.
  

Do I View Adoption as a Last Resort? Many people come to adoption after experiencing infertility and/or suffering miscarriages. But just because adoption wasn’t your first choice doesn’t mean it should be viewed as inferior or as a last resort. You should feel good about your decision to adopt and view it as the best way to create your family given the circumstances.

Am I Okay with Birth Parent Contact? Most adoptions these days have some degree of openness. Some birth parents will want to meet and have you present in the delivery room; others will request letters and pictures. And some may want phone calls and visits after the adoption. Before you begin the adoption process, you should be comfortable with at least some birth parent contact. Also, be clear on what you are and aren’t willing to accept, so there aren’t any misunderstandings or conflicts later on. Remember that your child will come with a history and a heritage, so be willing and able to honor and discuss his or her past.

Have I Grieved My Infertility? If you’ve experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, be certain you have resolved your feelings about this before beginning the adoption process. Adoption doesn’t cure infertility, so if you’re suffering from significant grief, depression, or anxiety, you might want to hold off on your decision to adopt until you are emotionally ready to move forward.

Do You Have an Open Heart and Mind? Parenting presents many challenges and unknowns, and so does adoption. Are you ready to face whatever lies ahead and love and support your child no matter what? All children deserve to be loved unconditionally and feel a sense of belonging in their families. Be certain you’re able to provide everything your child needs before moving forward with adoption.

If you can confidently answer these questions, then adoption may be right for you. Enjoy the journey!  

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